What's up my little bizzzzznitches....?
________________________________________________________________ Talk about down right neglect. Call the authorities because I am one selfish person. Faithful "Diary" fans... I leave you out in the rain without any rant or raves to keep you dry. I am a very bad personal blogger.
So again, let me try to close the 5 month gap. I have been doing shit. Lots of shit. Basically, that sums up everything up to date. Except the fact that I have a birthday looming around the corner on Monday and I have started up another blog called www.smudgedlipstick.com, I have been doing the same old nonsense that you all know and expect from me. Oh yah, I had my nose did too somewhere in that gap.
Let me talk about Smudged Lipstick. I love doing it. I actually post every day (Shhhh! I know I am such a slut) but it is the potential of making revenue that keeps me going. It started with my cousin, who said, and I quote: No one wants to pay money and read about you. Nobody gives a fuck unless you are a celebrity.
Harsh... I know.
So, I gathered up some resources and started working away on a site that now takes up my Saturdays and Sundays, leaves me spending money and making jack in return. I remember the days when I would blog on here and love it so much and now the "man" and the sight of a corporate buck has driven me away from my Diary. Not to mention that is has to be purely PG. Um... the peachy-keen, soft tongue and cheek bullshit that I have to write about is literally KILLING ME! No cursing, no swears and certainly no making fun of people. It is like a part of me died. I want to drop the mother fucking F word via web post on that broke-ass piece of shit's ass for pushing me out of the way while getting on the disgusting 5 train this morning to go to that shit hole, a.k.a the Bronx, to work at some ungrateful job that I am sure is going to give me colon cancer and fuck my life over for good. Certainly none of that. It's all super and daffodils. It makes me want to puke. However, the possibility of cleaning up that puke with hundred dollar bills from potential advertisers makes me smile in the end. So until I am rich as all fuck (man it feels good to say that) I am working away trying to make the ugly, well, less ugly. smudgedlipstick.com!
Another thing that just happened was my narcissistic google search on me, Veronica Curtis. I came across this site: http://pipl.com/directory/people/Veronica/Curtis, and it listed three Veronica's. First one being a loser, second one being a loser and "Third the Turd" being yours truly! This is what is said: Veronica Curtis will become a world re-known author... Source: Diaries of a New Yorker...: October 2006 [veronicacurtis.blogspot.com]
Can you imagine how I felt? I would love to be an author. I love writing, I love making people laugh and to think that someone in 2006 posted my blog and said that about me.... makes me want to strangle the little puke for putting that up. Now here I am, looking out my work window at the Manhattan skyline, a borough I can not possibly afford to live in because I make no money because my job sucks, Holla at Mayor Bloomberg, and it has been three bloody years and I am still nowhere close to be re-known in the literary world. I fucking suck as a person. Set the bar low they say? Ugh.. who was that person who wrote that? So glad they had high hopes and dreams for me... while all my dreams went down the toilet after a night of drinking my paycheck away in supermarket wine. So I am not a writer, I think I have a drinking problem and I have gotten fat. Oh why not make the wound a little saltier... I am single as all hell. I am wasting my twenties. I should be a success by now gosh darn it. If Smudged Lipstick doesn't take off or I don't get a three book deal with Random House then I am going to start selling hand-jobs behind the Javits Center, supplementing my income to help pay for my Spanish Harlem studio apartment in Manhattan... (again, set the bar low....)
Let me see what else is new... well... I seem to cover the fat, alcoholic, un-sexable side of my life, let me move onto more positive things.
Well... there was my cat that I adopted for two weeks... that bit me. She is now available for adoption again at the ASPCA. She was an asshole.
I ran into an ex while in Toronto this April. He someone who I loved deeply and care about very much... who could give a flying fuck about me and is happily living with his "Old as dirt" girlfriend and every other single aspect of his life is awesome... that was nice.
I have a birthday coming up on May 4th with no plans because my friend Kelly decided her turning 30 party for her May 5th birthday was more important that mine so she booked her party the weekend that I would have celebrated at some awful bar in Queens. That should be the highlight of my year. Other then that, I am probably going to sit alone in my apartment on Monday eating my favorite Quarter Pounder combo with orange drink and a side of McChicken from McDonalds and pass out from a food coma and go to bed. Greatest birthday ever. Shhhhhhhhhha right.
I completely forgot how much fun this is to run free with expressive words and sentences filled with expletives and nonsense. What have I become Veronica, what have I become? I feel like I am a giant ball of negativity and falling deeper and deeper into rut. Either way it was awesome to say "fuck" to my heart's content.
I end here.
Fin.
p.s. I will try to be more frequent but unless I am getting paid for this shit too, that is a bold face lie. I will always keep you in mind dear Dairy readers when I am out whoring myself for a corporate dollar on my other website. xoxoxo
posted by *Miss Veronica* at
10:34 AM>0 comments
Here comes fat ass!
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I believe I never have to leave my bed for anything other then BM's and to open the door for food delivery. My dream of become morbidly obese has finally come into play. It wont belong before I am washing myself with a rag on a stick...
Here's why:
A month or so ago I went through major trauma when my beloved BlackBerry placed its last call at 4:17 pm and then died forever at 4:18 pm. It was like someone ripped my soul out of my ass and fed it to me for breakfast. I was devastated. I had everything on that phone. My hamsters funeral (yes, 27 years own and I own a hamster), random pictures of Chuck Norris that I find in the city and some incriminating pictures of my work colleagues if ever I need to resort to blackmail to get my way. I was soooo pissed off! Hysterically, I go running to the phone store like a loon who has been drinking Colt 45 all afternoon (cause chances are I was drinking Colt 45... damn recession) and I blither into an AT&T store screaming "BLACKBERRY ME!!!!" So after an hour of giving the sales person the "Squinty eye of distain" because no matter what they say I think they are lying, I walk out with a new phone, an iPhone actually... which for the next coming weeks.... I hate.
This phone made me feel retarded. My fingers were too fat to type well... I kept dropping calls cause I kept touching the wrong button to go to the home screen. I didn't know how to enlarge the websites screen... oh my, was I a hot mess. Then I started downloading applications... interesting. The more I downloaded, the more I began to love the phone. My actual admittance that I loved the iPhone was when I was hung over in bed and I ordered food from delivery.com. I was like, oh man... this is what it must be like to go to Heaven since I would NEVER and will NEVER know. Last night was I was just playing with my Twitter (sounds very sexual... and almost like a scene from the "best ever" movie 'FuBar') I downloaded an iBlogger app and now I can easily post more when I am on the go. Good news for me, good news for Johnathan Smithwick from Kearney, Nebraska who is my only reader! Horray for you John!!!
So to explain the previous post of "Trying something new please be patient" I am happy to announce that I will be posting more while on the go! I am even thinking about starting a new blog. One for transsexuals who are looking for good makeup to cover their facial hair! Amazing huh? So avid veronicacurtis.blogspot.com fan Sienna Summers (nee Brandon Stuvenski) of Missoula, Montana, I will be catering to you too!!!
Um, yeah... about that picture. Let me explain. I Google'd a picture of a "sad phone" and this came up... I was like "oh what the hell, lets roll with it"... so yea these contorted woman are apparently "sad phones gifs" according to Google....
Hahaha... while I was all alone playing with my Twitter, this came to mind! LOL... Oh my, pet her fucking knee caps Farrell!
posted by *Miss Veronica* at
7:56 AM>0 comments
I predict a 65 lbs increase by 2010
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Okay so I downloaded this iblogger program and I'm testing it out. Please be patient!!!
posted by *Miss Veronica* at
11:05 PM>0 comments
Just call me Serena Van der Woodsen...
________________________________________________________________ Ugh, ugh, ugh!!!
What a crazy 7 days.
So, I just woke up from a wonderful 5 hour nap. I was up at 3 am this morning because my ye' little tummy was sore from last night's copious amounts of the ever-so-classy, Jagerbomb... but I can't help but crave another one of those suckers right about now. Vodka on the rocks or a nice red wine will go over well too! I could really go for a hard stiff one!
(FYI, I am NOT an alcoholic. Dear reader, I know you are concerned... but I assure you I am not ONLY because I can not afford to be one! Good booze is pricey! And I am not going to become one of those whack jobs from "Intervention" swigging back the yellow Listerine to get a buzz.... Though I would love to type a blog post that looks more like this: jhehd they fricken cat! screw tyou man, i says you screw you man lalalalalala im soooo bommmbved! Someday dear fan, someday.)
Alright, so I figured something out. 1. I am apparently "volatile" according to a colleague and 2. I work with fuck-tards. (An ex once called me a "fuck tard" in conversation and that was the point where he then became my ex...) I kinda like the volatile comment. "Volatile Veronica"... has a ring to it... Hmmm I think I am adopting it!
But seriously... fuck-tards, fuck-tards, fuck-tards!!!! People are all up in my grill, stirring it up and creating havoc simply because they are bored. Ugh, it gets me so mad. But meh, it's every business or work environment I suppose. So, though I can not avoid the "Gossip Girl" rumor mill that is my job (and sadly I do not rock a body like Miss Blake Lively.... who I also hear is crazy and cuts out all the tags of her clothes or has them changed to say size zero....) Eeeeep! OMG! The fuck-tards have me talking about people who I don't even know! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I am slowly going crazy 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 switch.... (Sharon, Lois & Bram song from circa 1985)
I have decided to create a list of dream jobs that will allow me to work independently and therefor happily if I HAVE to use my services in exchange for money. Rich men, here is where you slip in the marriage proposal...
My ideal jobs as of 03/05/09:
1. Subway booth toll person. 2. Mailman... or I guess Mailwoman... ugh. 3. The person who drives the ball picker-upper cart at the driving range. 4. A doorman or ugh... doorwoman. 5. The person who cleans up animal shit at the zoo. 6. A plumber. 7. A door-to-door vacuum cleaner sales person who doesn't sell any cleaners but sits in my car listening to Creedence and getting hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. 8. A superintendent of a building who is never around. 9. A meter maid supervisor. (*Note the supervisor position. Over achiever! I would love to drive around in my little three wheeled car making sure my little meter bitches are pumping out the tickets.... ohhh yea.) 10. Piggy backing off of numero 9'er... a pimp. Oh my pimp hand would be strong... and manicured.
Dare to dream Veronica, dare to dream. Hopefully I will soon find my rich man who has so much money he shits gold bricks and is sooo passive he totally puts up with my crap. Until then I am going to call the Bronx Zoo to see if any elephants need their asses wiped.
posted by *Miss Veronica* at
10:58 PM>0 comments
All it takes is 9 inches....
________________________________________________________________ For all you little pervazoids out there, no I was talking about a huge Johnson-roonie. Rather, I was referencing the amount of snow that had to fall from the Heavens (shhhhhhhhhut it... I am reading the Bible so I am on a Jesus kick) for that woodland troll Joel Klein to call off school for all the little future G-Unit gang members of NYC. I, being a teacher, could not resist screaming "Hell Ya" from the top of my lungs at 6:00 am. So with this added day to my already wonderful weekend, I managed to take in the bounty that was the additional 24 hours sans kiddio's.
And what did I do you ask? Ohhhhh pretty much every thing that I was supposed to do (Shoot! Just remembered another thing!) that I have put off for months since I was tooooooo busy fucking-the-dog. Take for example, this blog post. It has been since January and "Oh... no Veronica" but voila... here I am on this lovely snow day saying "Greetings and how the hell are ya?" I've finally watched a Netflix movie that has sat on my coffee table for um, say 3 months, 50 dollars later. I fixed an issue with my Mac. I confirmed hospital benefits with my insurance for my upcoming nasal-ectomy. (Nah, its not really that... cause that is something totally fictitious but it has to do with my schnooz) I even read 100 pages of a book (Bitter is the New Black by Jen Lancaster.... oooober hilarious) for my book club meeting next week. Holy torpedoes eh Batman? I have been busy today! So while Puxatony Klein came out from under his bridge and saw snow, he rushed over to the local Bloomberg media station and proclaimed a "No School Day!" Which gave me the opportunity to do all the gritty stuff that I haven't wanted to do in ages! Yay me!
So here are some updates since there has been a break in between postings:
1. I cut my hair. Hair to the crack of one's ass is not always HOOOOOOOOT. So chop chop!
2. I started to read the Bible. Why? Cause Jesus is the shit yo. It is also because I don't want to be one of those people who spit out random versus and then gets asked "Have you ever read the bible?" and my response is "Gulp! Ya-huh" Bring on the future religious debates!
3. I have broken in my new sofa with a lovely ass groove that is as deep as the mighty Grand Canyon.
4. I got a new iPhone only because my CrackBerry O.D.'ed. My personal fav: The Easy Fart Application. Nothing says "mature" then pressing a fart button when a stranger walks by.
5. I joined Twitter. So I Tweet now. Not to be mistaken by "Quief". So look me up on www.Twitter.com. My namez is Veroplane. I go zoom-zoom. Follow me!
6. Apple does not have.... Oh my God. They do! Rephrase. Apple DOES have a iQuief application for iPhone. Only 99 cents for vagina farting fun!
7. I am going to take the most amazing bath with my favorite Sabon products.... Ohhhh Orange Ginger here I cometh!
So yea, that's about it. So I am on a roll. Keep checking in I promise I will write more soon. Horray for Snow Days!
PS - The iQuief kinda iSucks.
PPS - Lets just hop back to whhhhy I am reading the Bible. I am, nor have I been, or will become one of those bible-thumping loonies who only wear skirts, give up shaving my legs, skips out on blood transfusions and drugs and dances around an auditorium drooling and screaming nonsense. I basically want to be prepared when someone approaches me for my skin tight pants, while snorting crack and donning a "pro-blood transfusion t-shirt" and I can shoot out a giant "Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck it" with a verse or psalm attached to it.... better safe then sorry mes amies.
posted by *Miss Veronica* at
3:16 PM>1 comments
My New Year's Resolution
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Welcome to beautiful 2009! Doesn't it feel wonderful?!
Well this holiday hub-bub is coming to an end and soon it will be same old, same old back to the grind. With a new year comes new empty promises: Quit drinking... gulp. Stop swearing... fuck. Wait for the sale.... fuck it! What's another $200 on the credit card? Trim up and lose weight.... with extra blue cheese dressing on the side?
Ahhh the vicious cycle of resolutions and their improbability of actually being accomplished. So, I have come up with a new New Year's resolution. I (pause) am (pause) going to (pause) MAKE RESOLUTIONS FOR OTHER PEOPLE!
That's right! Why am I going to put myself through another failed attempt at some bogus promise that I knew I wasn't going to keep for a hot second? Why would I put myself through another February of CRYING about how badly I fucked up, followed by another March of that irritating "Gotta stick to it!" bullshit attitude... which would last yet again a nano-minute as I purchase $300 shoes on a maxed-out credit card while stuffing McDonald's delicious and supersized fries into my fat ass mouth, cursing the fuck out of everyone! Nope, nope... NOPE! Not this year my friends, not this year.
So in lieu of many months of wanting to kill myself because I can not stick to shit that I set out for; I am compiling a list of resolutions for other people with hopes that they may actually stick to them!
So here they are: My 2009 New Year's Resolutions for Other People.
1. Dear Tom Cruise, please just die. If not die, then go away. Far away. Nepal maybe? Take your wife with you and hide. Be recluse, quiet and out of sight. Please make 2009 a Tom Cruise free year. I assure you, it will be wonderful.
2. Oprah, Oprah, Oprah... you are worth at least 9 bagillion dollars... you are one of the most influential people in the world. For Christ sake you convinced the bloody South to vote for Obama! Now, with that said... please don't fucking sing along with your musical guests when they preform because you obviously dont know the words and it pisses me off.
3. Dear Middle East, please get your affairs in order.
4. Any one who does not respond to eVites... fuck yourself with a hammer's curved pointed end. Otherwise simply respond to the said invitation instead of just "showing up".
5. Katy Perry, donate your voice box to homeless mutes and take up serving tables. Kiss girls, hot and cold, who gives a fuck, just shut the hell up.
6. All major cable channels... please make a 24 hour 'Shawshank Redemption Channel' because Morgan Freeman is the king of all movie narrators and Tim Robbins is creepy hot! Hangovers across the globe with thank you.
Okay, I am sure there are TONS more to come. So enjoy 2009 in the early stages bitches...
posted by *Miss Veronica* at
4:58 PM>0 comments
Meeeeeee-yow!
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So how could you seriously think that I would NOT post this? This is the stuff wet dreams are made of! This is so unbelievably good.... I WISH I could crush this video up and snort it.
Check out Dubya's cat-like reflexes... it is evident he has dodged a flying shoe here and there throughout this life. I am kinda sad that it wasn't me who threw that shoe. I would have attached two boots together and made nunchucks. Hiiiii-yah!
Maybe all that bull-riding and sarsaparilla swiggin' down on the ranch gave the soon-to-be ex-prez the much needed agility to duck the weapons of mass shoe-struction hidden in Iraq?
Yea, shut up... that was totally funny. Fuckers.
As I laugh at how hysterical this is... our little Middle Eastern friends added the frosty topping on a very funny cupcake which I came across this morning on the news:
Apparently anti-Bush (seriously, the 70's are over... aren't we all?) (AND NO THAT JOKE DOES NOT GET OLD!) advocates are praising the "shoe tosser" by rallying for his release from jail as well as the release of the size 10 weapon from Iraqi Police. Apparently, though this hasn't been confirmed by my sources (which is me), the supporters want to bronze the Lands End deck shoe that was tossed at G.W.B. and erect a statue where one once stood of Saddam Hussein in the middle of Baghdad.
Seriously, who the fuck knows what goes on over there... it's a hot mess. Anyway, protesters placed similar shoes on poles and raised them high in the streets, chanting and waving signs in support of the shoe catapulting and removal of Bush via Brazilian... ha-ha, okay. I'll stop.
Apparently, when Abdul printed his "America Sucks" brand of posters, he forgot to hit grammar check before printing.
It's actually:"GETout U.S.A"... just a little f.y.i, you know, for next time. Mad props on the use of Times New Roman and caplock though. Schnazzzzzy.
Then it dawned on me! No, this is not the first time I have seen this incident! Yes, Veronica... you are right! Now I remember where I have seen this before! Oh how I laughed then as I did now...
Home
Veronica Curtis
New York City, NY.
Teacher, role model, inspiring 'world changer', and a high frequency drunk.
Belligerent idiot, outspoken loud-mouth, compulsive shopper, and the proprietor of the best damn blog on the internet.
Will never wear blue fur.
